Near the end of 2013, I was 39 years old and fighting for my life every moment of every day. It would’ve been easier to recover if it were my physical body mangled in some accident, but it was the deepest, unseen parts of me that were crushed.
There’s no way I could have survived and begun to heal apart from telling my story, which was scattered before me like a thousand-piece puzzle. I began the slow process of sorting the pieces, talking through them one by one.
Up until that point in my life, I didn’t often discuss my past unless I was sharing my own failures and how God had been so merciful to me. But these days, I’m free to say that a large part of my story involving others was a white-washed version — one that protected reputations. It served me well as a child who couldn’t ask for help.
First of all, I wasn’t aware that I needed help. Second, if I had been aware there was no one to turn to. I would’ve been powerless against a well-constructed, public image.
But the time came to face the truth and grow up emotionally and spiritually.
Winston Churchill said,
“Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.”
Those words are just as true for our personal history as they are for our national history. When we white-wash history, we tend to white-wash the present. We may be unable to see things we must see in order to mature and develop boundaries.
I couldn’t move forward as long as I continued to function on how I’d like for things to be, nor could I continue believing that I was responsible to protect others from the consequences of their own destructive choices.
I needed to live according to reality and what was best for myself and my own family — no longer a slave to lies. Although I suffered to the deepest degree, it was to set me free. Sometimes, we have to be wounded to be healed.
I won’t be sharing all the details of my story at this time, only the importance of fully knowing it in order to grow strong and make real progress in life and faith. Telling my story — all of it — strengthens my identity in Christ, my testimony, my relationships and my children.
A Stronger Identity
Through years of emotional and spiritual manipulation, my identity as a unique individual and child of God was abused and ultimately, stolen. If that sounds hard to believe.. I’m with you. It was hard for me to even believe, but isn’t that the nature of deception? Deceived people don’t know they are deceived.
But when I found myself emotionally and spiritually crushed, flat on my back — I was forced to either give up on life or search with everything in me for truth and healing. I chose life. I went to places in my history I’d never gone before to find my way out — to find the God who had started a good work in me.
What had gone so terribly wrong?
It wasn’t about blame, it was about truth. It was about not letting someone else’s story bleed over into mine — someone who has chosen to live a destructive life. It’s about no longer having my identity shaped by lies, but letting it be re-created by Jesus Christ who gave me His identity. It’s about getting clear on who (and whose) I am and who (and whose) I am not.
Stronger Testimony
Christians who believe we shouldn’t look back fail to recognize how this silences our testimony. I WAS one of these Christians, however, the Bible often speaks of the importance of remembering. If I fail to remember, I lose sight of God and then, I lose hope. If I purposely block out certain parts of my past, I also block out God’s hand and the trust that He was there, working out the worst parts of my life for my good and His glory. When I establish what God did in the past, I have greater trust in what He will do today and tomorrow.
How can we extend God’s comforting hands to a hurting world when we haven’t fully been embraced by them ourselves? I’m not merely speaking of a “feel-good” comfort that empowers us to clean up our lives. I’m speaking of a comfort that so breaks us down, we’re utterly power-less and must be carried by Christ. That is, our own strength is completely gone so that God’s strength can be made perfect in us. That’s the testimony of the power of the cross.
Christ died to reach the deepest, darkest recesses of our being, where we are as good as dead and He must carry us home. That is what it means to be fully embraced by God through Jesus Christ. That is my testimony, my story.
“You may talk to people about Jesus; but you can’t lead people to Him beyond your own journey.” -Pete Scazzero
Stronger Relationships
Intimacy is a deep knowing of another soul, so sharing and embracing our personal stories strengthens our relationships with God and others.
Augustine made a wise observation,
“How can you draw closer to God when you are far from your self?”
If our Christianity is more of a religion than a relationship, it will only be about God. By it’s very nature, a relationship requires two or more people. So our Christianity should be about God and us.
As I look back on 2013, when God seemed to have left me — when I longed to feel Him and hear Him but only experienced silence, I realize the beautiful thing He was doing for me — He was forcing me to open up to Him more deeply than I ever had.
I had only been focused on knowing Him and ignoring my own needs as though it were the most spiritual thing to do, but I was wrong. He never wanted to erase me, He wanted to restore me.
Just as the Father, Son and Holy Spirit are three distinct persons in one — so too is my relationship with God — we are separate and unique individuals, yet one.
Our goal should be to find a healthy balance between our individual needs and desires and our corporate needs and desires which is critical for all relationships to thrive.
As I share my story, the intimacy that deepens between God and myself deepens with others in a way I’ve not previously known. I’ve learned that we can never give others what we ourselves do not possess. When we are free to tell our own story, we become the best listeners for others. When we can accept our own brokenness, we are better able to extend the same grace to others. We don’t feel the need to white-wash our past or present. Our souls are laid bare and real intimacy grows. Rather than spending all of our time getting more knowledge about God than others, we can spend more time getting to know others.
Stronger children
One of my favorite quotes gives another reason why it is crucial to know and share our story.
“It is easier to build strong children, than to repair broken men.” -Frederick Douglass
How can we learn and teach life lessons if we can’t honestly assess the past, both personally and nationally? If we want stronger children, we must see both the good and bad that leads to our present condition. We must avoid the temptation to white-wash anything as this only leaves people and nations divided and on course for a fall.
Again, it’s not about living in a state of blame, it’s about taking responsibility for myself and those under my care. It’s not attempting to live free from failure, it’s doing our best and living honestly before our children — growing in grace and the knowledge of Jesus Christ. It’s about helping them shape their own identity, not so much in country or culture or tradition or roles, but in Jesus Christ above all.
Pressing on…
Telling my story strengthens my identity in Christ, my testimony, my relationships and my children. As I continue to sort through the pieces of my story, I don’t expect to find all the answers, but I do expect to come away with acceptance and trust that my Heavenly Father has been with me all along, that He’ll finish what He started and He’ll never fail to give me His strength to move forward. I pray the same for you, friend. Thanks for listening!
In life, faith & art ~ Jamie
P. S. I highly recommend this great book by Pete Scazzero. I don’t agree with everything He writes and practices, but his overall message that we must be emotionally mature to be spiritually mature is crucial. You can listen to the audio version for FREE on Hoopla!
